Zero's Gay Love Child
by ChocolateEmbrace
Summary: Zero's gay love child, hence the title. Major crackfic. Don't like it, don't read it.
1. A Love Like No Other

**This almost lovely story is dedicated to my best friend, Sarah who inspired me to write this. Love you (:**

Zero awoke as a pounding headache clouded his vision.

"What happened last night?" he pondered, still in a daze.

"What are you doing in my room, Shiki?" Zero questioned, still confused about what had happened the night prior.

"Well, you and I were really hammered last night and we..." Shiki awkwardly smiled as he lightly scratched his head.

"WE DIDN'T!"

"We-"

"A** %^$*%! No, I don't want to hear it!"

"It can't be!" he thought, making a vain attempt to piece his memories together from last night.

"That's not the bad part." Shiki nervously stated, turning away from Zero.

"It can't get any worse than this." Zero blankly thought.

"Well, I'm pregnant."

"No, you can't be! You were on the pill weren't you?" Zero frantically questioned, brimming with hope.

"I only missed one day!" he tearfully yelped, blushing bright red.

"Ah! This is horrible!" Zero stomped, aggressively biting and tearing all the pillows apart.

"You have to get an abortion!" he ordered, pointing his finger directly at him.

"B-but I want to keep the baby! We have to!" Shiki pleaded.

"Are you serious? I'm leaving!" Zero raged as he began exit out of Shiki's room.

"Zero, baby, let's talk this over!" Shiki begged, grabbing Zero by his shirt.

"I'm not your baby! And I'm definitely not the baby's father!" he coldly remarked, slapping Shiki's grip away.

"Who else would it be?" Shiki rhetorically questioned.

"I-its Kaname's child!" Zero anguishly blurted as silence filled the air.

"I know its your baby. Its a mother's intuition!" Shiki truthfully yelled.

"A blood test will determine the true father. When it proves its Kaname's baby I want nothing to do with you!" Zero deliberately declared.

And with that, he was gone.

Emptiness permeated Shiki's fragile heart as loneliness filled his being. Never before had he been pregnant. He was seeking support and kindness which Zero failed to deliver. Tears, steaming abundantly, chocked his eyes as he helplessly cried.

"Maybe he'll come back. I need him."


	2. The Ham Sandwhich

"Did you sleep with Shiki? Because he is pregnant and I know you are the father!" Zero questioned, dramatically storming into Kaname's almost sacred chambers.

"Of course not." Kaname replied, non hesitantly.

"How can I believe you? I know its-"

"Look, Zero. There is only one person who can handle this love machine." Kaname stated, etching a disturbing grin upon his vampiric face.

"Hey guys!" Yuki splurged, stumbling into the room.

"See, she is the only one that ever can or could." Kaname enlightened, delivering a pedophiliac grin as he stared lovingly into her eyes (to see the reflection of his own womanly face).

"Oh, Kaname, you are so dreamy staring into my eyes so romantically." Yuki said, batting her eye lashes.

"Stop, batting your eyelashes! I can't see my myself!" Kaname angrily stated.

"Go make me a ham sandwhich!" he demanded.

"Why don't you ever make me sandwhiches, Zer-ro." Shiki disappointingly stated, barging into the room as he interrupted the priceless intervention.

"Shiki, you stay out of this!" Zero instructed.

"B-but its my baby too!" he cried.

"I don't know what's going on here but that is not my baby so you two should let Yuki and I finish the various activities we started last night!" Kaname enforced, shoving Shiki and Zero out of his dorm.

After many hours of trapping Zero in Shiki's closet, Zero finally came out and faced the fact that he had got another man pregnant. Headmaster Cross suggested mommy and me classes for beginner couples and so they accepted (well, Shiki did as Zero was duct taped and thrown in the back of a truck).

Meanwhile, Kaname and Yuki were doing their nightly activities, knitting sweaters.

**Once again, Sarah has inspired my to write this :D And her contributing ideas never fail to help to make this story better. Thanks girl!**


	3. Part One of Mommy and Me

"We're here!" Shiki announced, swinging the door open.

"Shiki, could you not make so much noise?" Zero grumbled, forcing his way into the room as he tore the excess duct tape from his clothes.

"Okay, now everyone is here. Let us be-gin!" the instructor directed, winking seductively at Zero.

"My name is Sensei Duck. You all can call me the ya know, the Quack Instructor." he taught, learning over the podium, to which seemed to be towards Zero (again).

As the "Quack Instructor" well, instructed, Kaname and Cross snuck into the class from the backdoor, relieved that no one had had noticed their appearance when suddenly-

"Oh, what a lovely young couple we have here!" Sensei Duck announced as the spotlights shone brightly upon the two classroom stowaways.

"What? H-he made me come here! He's nothing!" Kaname defensively remarked.

"Oh, I see, you two are on the verge of what we call domestic violence. It can be physical and or verbal abuse. You see, class. Perfect example!" Sensei proudly announced, wavering his arms towards them as he beamed with excitement to this discovery.

"You two can sit in the front of the class! Where you will be carefully watched and monitored." he said, motioning towards the vacant chairs.

"Every couple will be given a flour sack which will be their baby for today. I will demonstrate how to be a delicate parent to your flour child." Sensei said, speaking from years of no experience as he handed out the "children".

"Zero, don't use our precious child as a butt cushion!" Shiki scolded, repossessing their baby.

"The chairs are hard in this dumphole place you brought us!"

"I need a volunteer! Anyone?" Lord Duck rhetorically questioned.

In the same moment Kaname lifted his arm to scratch his armpit to where Sensei assumed his participation.

"Ah! I see you want to take this class as an opportunity to improve your relations! Come right up!" he said, dragging Kaname up front.

"B-but I was-"

"So, class I will teach you how to and how to not treat your children." Sensei announced.

"This is how to not treat your child." he continued, swinging and throwing the flower sack at Kaname's face.

White powder filled the air as Kaname stood there blankly, seeming to not have yet processed what had just happened.

"Its okay." he convinced himself.

"I will be out of here as soon as this is over."

"Now class, this how to treat your child with love." Lord Duck instructed, rocking the flour sack gently in his arms.

"Here you try." he said, handing Kaname the "baby" for a similar demonstration.

He also gently rocked the sack as an explosion within the "baby" occurred, hurling rounds of flour and paper at Kaname's face.

"Oh! That must be the defective one! Let me get you another! Hehe." Sensei giddily remarked as he giggled, greatly amused.

"You know what? %$#&! $#^%-"

"Not in front of the children!" he said, covering the flour sack's non-existent ears as he gasped with disgust.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" Lord Duck chided, completely clueless about Kaname's torcher.

"I am never having children! B-because they become people like you!" Kaname madly stated, exiting.

"No! I need support to get through parenting! Kaname, come back!" Cross yelled, chasing after him.

"This exactly how NOT to treat your children!" Sensei taught.

"Geez, I wish I could save the poor soul. He should realize how upsetting his actions can be. Oh well, back to the lesson." he mumbled.

"Now class, in order to get your gold star you must work hard to keep the baby in good shape and health!" Duck taught, wrapping up the class session.

As Zero made his exit, Sensei surprised him with a flirty slap on the butt.

"Get that gold star, Zero." he winked, disappearing back into the classroom.

**Part 2 will be up soon. Thanks to the support and funny ideas from Sarah, this will be continued.**


	4. insert chapter name here

Zero and Shiki arrive home. Zero, who was practically shit-covered, was none-the-less angry. He trudges angrily towards the bathroom, feeling almost relaxed to reach the bathtub.

"I bet a warm bath is waiting for me right around the-"

"CROSS? WHAT THE %$## are you doing in here?"

"Just using the toilet. Nice World of Warcarft subscription. I've been looking for this-"

Before Cross had a chance to finish his ramble about World of Warcraft issue #yoai it was torn away by the rightful owner.

"I can't believe you have been in here! AHG!"

"Nice towel by the way.." Cross examined with a hint of a smirk sliding onto his face.

"OMG. JUST FREAKIN' GET OUT!"

Before Zero could end this intervention, Cross had already hopped into the bathtub. Through another series of unfortunate events Zero tripped over his WoW #yaoi issue and landed toweless into the bathtub.

Then, thinking things could not get any worse, Kaname enters the bathroom holding a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs.

"Hello, baby! Oh, my. I wasn't expecting two." Kaname learned as he started to proceed towards the tub.

"No, this isn't what it looks like!"

"I promised my mother I would never do this, BUT JUST THIS ONCE!" Kaname cried guiltily as he drove into the tub.

After a good three minutes of awkward silence.

"Can I borrow your panties?" Kaname non-chalantly asked.

"Zero, you have something suspicious on your tush." Cross notified

"Here, let me get that!"

"No, no!" Zero resisted as Kaname snuck towards Zero's underwear draw.

"I love these!" he announced, lashing his my little pony undergarment for all to see.

"Aww, Zeki-poo! I have those in purple!"

"Can this day get any worse." Zero thought to himself.

When all of a sudden he realized it could very well get worse as Shiki broke in, devastated.

"I thought you were my Zeki-poo! How could you?" Shiki screamed in tears.

"Here is the heart you gave me for Valentine's Day!" Shiki announced as he threw it back at Zero.

"Um, I never gave that to you." Zero replied.

"Okay, fine! But you definitely gave me this hickey!" "Or wait, was that.. No, it was you!" Shiki blamed.

"You are ridiculous!" Zero accused, trudging away in once again, in anger.

Thirty seconds later, Shiki came to his senses that this is all for their flower filled child.

"You know, Zero. I've been thinking and-"

"I just saw you a second ago."

"I'm just saying I feel like you don't love me."

"Whatever would make you think that..." Zero sarcastically remarked, rolling his eyes.

"No, Zero! You need to do this for the baby!" Shiki said, with a hint of inspiration lingering in his voice.

"You're right. We need to do this for the baby!"

"Yes, Zero. I'm so proud. You're gonna make a great mother." Shiki encouraged, wiping tears of joy from his cheek.

"Thanks- wait, I wanted to be the father!" Zero argued.

"No, you're the mother and I'm the father." Shiki stated from his non-existent wisdom.

"You're the one that's pregnant! And men don't even get pregnant."

"Touche."

* * *

><p>Sarah and I are finally back! Show your support!<p> 


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